When it didn't happen

hassenahnah
Jan 16, 2016
5 min read

Reposted from an old Blog: Dated 14th Mar 2014 - A post after the unsuccessful IVF #1

*Disclaimer: I have learned but has not apply. :s

No amount of forum reads & research will coax the feeling that it is not happening. That's the ultimate lesson I've gotten from the waiting game. N prolly a lesson to u too.. (I'm actually quite amused by the number of page views.. It seems to increase but I'm still not sure if this blog really hev readers. Heh.)

Anyhow, I've decided to collate my lesson learnt from the ivf journey #1.

It starts wayyyyy before. The food that r being suggested to be good my be true.. But it takes. While for it to get into "functioning" mode. It has to be eaten wayyyyytt before it all began. I would say at least 3mths... Same goes with the massage or acupuncture or Wateva that can make u optimum for growth.

Google helps. Doctors lie that food may not help in any way, they just dun want to commit to any non-scientific wateva.. Like milk makes ur implantation difficult coz it makes the wall slippery. I asked doctor, he said no such ting.. But hey if there's really no such ting wher did these pple get their source? So, follow their sources and use ur own intelligence. If it's credible,u might as well follow. I just regretted not following it as in I had milk still.. For breakfast and sometimes thinking its good for calcium for baby ( yes, I was thinking a bit too far. Hah. Prolly dreaming!) heh. Also, there was once wen Doc said, my Estrogen level in my blood for my eggs doesn't seem to be on par with the no. of eggs.. I freaked out n googled how to.. N I followed the google answers.. Drink soy milk n I did - a whole carton of it the nite before the next blood test.. With additional 2soft boil eggs for breakfast.. well.. This egg ting just strucked me that morning coz I'm sure any eggs will hev that estrogen too.. Yes? Well I was hoping so coz sumhow I compared myself with a mother chicken lol. Anyway.. My estrogen level became 2x the expected level for that result. So Ladiessssss n gentlemen (I'm sure there r caring & curious hubbies somewhere ...) yes, Google does help with suggestions on food as I truly believed that it makes a difference after that blood test. Or simply put, if sumhow u googled n they said not to... Just dun. Heh.

Casual talks cushions. I am still not sure if telling your family and frens abt it help lessen the anxiety or heightens it. I told a whole bunch of folks, coz well... I am always at home.. which according to my nature of work i shouldnt. I had a month of doing nothing, so i went to meet a bit of frens and played with my nieces & nephews all day long.. i treated it all like a science experiment, showing them the eggs and how the eggs suppose to look like.. and had funny talks abt sex educatio with my teenage kiddoes.. hah. it was an ok subject. Sumhow it result to somewhat a positivity vibe and aura, thinking of the growth and all and sumhow it makes you feel more ike "it happens u know this trying to conceive issue do happens" and i think it kinda dun make them feel too empathetic towards you. Well, that was important to me. Dun feel sorry for me. coz i just dun like it. So yup, i prolly just let them know again. and u might just want to make it sound casual coz it helps to cushion the disappointment.

You just know it so embrace it. I knew it a week before the ultimate result day. well, the breast not swelling was my first notification. but there were still sensitive or pain ard nips and not forgetting the sudden sharp pains. Overall, body changes was the ultimate signs. But! only you know wat it had meant deep inside. I mean you can google why it is so, and some other ladies in the forum gives nice feedbacks that they had the same but it was all good. ultimately, u just know. even how hard u try to push the thoughts away, it creeps out somehow even for a split second. So, what do you do? Amidst all the positive - go away negative thoughts moment, embrace it. Let them in, well that tears in your eye sockets a bit, tell urself that its ok and then sumhow think of the next step. Like.. wen will be the next date available or optimum for the next one.. just think of things that need to be thought of if it didnt happen. I came to a good calm day on that Friday 28th March as i coax myself wit the mantra in my head "it was just not time yet".

Jeopardized Faith. Coz we alllllll dunno why it had to happen to us, so u went to seek some sort of forgiveness and hope. it was not right. i knew it wasnt. like faith is to be sincere. but i was well not sincere i knew, i just thought it is the efforts that i put in that He may consider. hah. big joke to him prolly. Anyway, i sumhow haven come to my spiritual senses yet. at least, i am not blaming Him, i think. but im human and i need to channel my angst sumwher. lesson here, try very much to be sincere when it comes to faith or u will just lose it or get confused with it all.

Holiday! During the wait. you need to get distracted. and no, u will not get affected by the flight, the tiredness.. of course you dun do a shopping trip right.. just a nice fresh of air somewhere. I shd hev gone to Hongkong with my grl frens. heh. even wen it didnt happen at least 1) i got something to blame & thought of..rather than but i didnt bla bla and yet.... 2) i would hev enjoyed the food. heh.

Let it out of your system. I went to lose myself last saturday nite. it was not a good nite for BForeva though, I was practically wailing after the laughs and dance (its been sooooo loooonnngg). yes..i was wailing till i got tired. hah. On sunday, he said he expected more of me. I would think he had meant to be more calm and not act immaturely that i had to rely on adolescent-ish happiness to let it go. I didnt argue i didnt clarify further i just didnt say anything i just shrugged, he is prolly true. but i was not sorry abt it at all. i had a better Sunday (except for headsplits&tummyshitfeelings) and Monday and today and im sure for the next few months till next journey to another two lil' chickyeggs. If and when He permits.

that saturday i was under some orange light. Orange lightings gives broader spectrum of light, thus the use of orange light on the streets. I benefited from the orange light that nite. right! heh.